A Short Story Not Necessarily For Children : "The D*mn Dog"

I have a dog named Pepper. It is a brown toy poodle. It is very special. Pepper knows nifty tricks like how to hold in your pee until you're let out of the bathroom so you can pee in places that are difficult to clean. She is honing that skill now by peeing a little bit on the paper in the bathroom to con people into letting her out so that she can go pee in places that are difficult to clean. You see, the trick is to know the proper ratio of pee to use as the diversion and storing up the remaining amount of pee for a 'puddle effect' in those hard-to-reach, hard-to-clean places. She secretly calls it "Mission: Make Grace Clean The Floor On Her Hands And Knees Repeatedly Everytime She Lets Me Out To Play. Muahaha."

Just before the act...

...and right after, she'll run like a lunatic for the safety of the bathroom in self-punishment whilst smirking in the pride of a successful mission (note slightly evil unrepentant smirk).

Also, my dog Pepper enjoys a steady diet of newspaper, toilet paper and anything that moves- like bugs and hairs on the floor blown around by wind. She has more toys than I do and gets bored of them at an alarming rate. I love dog. Especially in a soup or a quiche. Maybe quiche- need to buy eggs and flour then.

The End

I've never asked for a dog in my life. Not that I didn't want one, only that I knew my mother hated large-ish animals. So it was hamsters, fish and the occasional turtle. What's an occasional turtle, you might ask? Well, it looks just like any other turtle, but its only there occasionally. But I digress... back to what this post is really about- th' dumb dog. (It just peed all over the floor and I had to wipe the hall. Again. Can you tell?) Anyway- guess what my mother asks for last mother's day? Now, I daren't call my dad in case he asks for a horse or something.

Aw, I don't mind the dog-ler... just frustrated that I actually might have to give the excuse of needing to go home early and 'feed the dog' someday. At least I've never given the 'water my mother's plants' excuse as of yet. Heh. Terasa or not, Ange? Pepper's really not a dog- she's a cat-pig-baby sort of creature. I'd call her a cat, 'cept that cats are way cleaner. She actually sulks and refuses to look at you if you offend her. She rubs herself all over your legs. She pounces. I mean- if I wanted a danged cat, I'd have gotten a cat. I like cats, but not a dog who prances about like a feline hopped up on catnip.

Now I gotta go let her out to play 'cause I've cooped her up in the bathroom all day.

A 'Lessons' Spin-Off...

Tips and Tools For Shrinking Your Best Friend.
By Dr. Grac “Doc” Chang; MD, PhD, MBBS, PESS, DKNY, FYI, ETC.

Tool One : The Obligatory Question

Everyone has one. When I talk to someone, I always ask them their Obligatory Question. Sometimes it’s the same question for a few people; but everyone is special, so they have their own unique question. Obligatory Questions range from “Had dinner yet?” for acquaintances/colleagues to “How’s life?” and “Are you wearing underwear?” for closer friends.

~ Deidi’s is “Are you drunk/high?” Be it while we’re on the phone, online or meeting face-to-face, I have to ask her this because she behaves like a tipsy bimbo at the best of times. Plus, she’s actually a pretty heavy drinker. And I’m talking margaritas in the afternoon. Tsk. Oh heck, who’m I kidding. I had margaritas for lunch during a mission trip when we were supposed to be tracting, for crying out loud.

~ During her stint as a girlfriend back in ‘Nam with ‘Charlie’, “Pregnant yet?” seemed to be the world’s best contraceptive. Well, not really… but at least it was a good reminder to make frequent trips down to th’ pharmacy. For pregnancy test kits as well as condoms.

~ “Still a virgin?” no longer applies to my first two clients-slash-best-friends, so th’ dubious honor of this Obligatory Question goes to the Eternal Virgin Mel ‘Tight Flower’ Sim (crosses both fingers in the ‘Tight Flower’ Signal) It’s a little weird how ‘still a virgin?’ passed down so quickly from one client to another like hand-me-down cloth diapers. I’d worry if I were you, Tight Flower.

~ It used to be “What are you actually studying, ha?” for Ange. A question that I still cannot answer up till now even though she’s been working for a year or so. Nowadays its more of- “What do you work as, ha?” Some computer thing, I’m told- but I’m not too sure what. I doubt she knows either.

~ There’s the all-famous “Are you PMSing?” for Bri and occasionally, Keith- who has the worst b*tchfits for someone without ovaries.

For me, the Obligatory Question I seem to be asked by one and all is: “Guess what?” Which brings me to our second tool- how to counteract the dreaded ‘Guessing Game’.

Tool Two : The Worst-Case Scenario (WCS)

It can take the form of either a monologue or dialogue.

“Guess what?”
“You’re pregnant.”
Sputter. “Wha-? No! I just got a promotion, you ass! What were you thinking?!”

You see how it works? The trick is to tailor your worst case scenarios according to th’ client/friend. If your WCS is vile enough, they’ll give up at the guessing game fairly quickly.

~ Red
“Guess what?”
“You’re pregnant.”
Sighs exaggeratedly, “No.”
“Space aliens abducted you and probed your orifices.”
“Dude.”
“Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa are being held captive by orifice-probing space aliens.”
“Dude.”
“Scully broke up with Mulder and declared her undying love for Krychek.”
“Dude!” Pause. “Metaphorically? Yeah.” She sighs.
Long night. I should really start charging for consultation.
(Send your postal order and cheque to P.O. Box 12155 for a 2-disc set of “Tool #247- The Metaphor Game”)

~ Deidi
“Guess what?” she giggles.
And I am reminded once again to ask, “Are you drunk?” before progressing further in WCS.
“Nooo-ooo...” she sing-songs.
“Are you pregnant?”
“No.” More giggles.
“You did the naughty with a total stranger?”
Giggling. (Beware the future that is Malaysia’s legal system when Deidre starts representing people in court. Hair-twirling and girly giggling abound!)
“You snogged a total stranger?”
“I know him, okay?” A little exasperation in her tone amidst the giggling now.
“And were you drunk then?”
“Maybe.” Let’s just assume that she’s giggling all the way throughout this conversation, okay?
“You aren’t supposed to drink. It’s bad for the baby.”
“Grace!”

~ Keith
“Guess what?”
“You’re pregnant.” (Tip: It works for all genders.)
“Whuthfck?”
“You knocked someone up and she’s pregnant.”
“No!”
“I’m tellin’ ya- she’s pregnant, and her father’s gonna come stick a shotgun in your mouth and force you to marry her. But what you don’t know is that she’s pregnant with some orfice-probing space alien’s kid and it’s gonna come bursting out her tummy and eat you both alive.”
Silence. “I was going to tell ya that I found your Babylon 5 DVD, but you can forget it now.”
(Tip: Try not to go too far out and piss them off in the process.)

~ Mel
“Guess what?”
“You went out with him.”
“N- hey! How did you know?”
My finely honed psychic powers. “You told me yesterday.”
“Oh… yeah.”

Disclaimer: I am not obsessed with baby making and/or naughty space alien loving despite evidence to the contrary. I’m not, I tell you…

Next week on ‘Tips and Tools™’: How To Hone Those Nifty Mind-Reading Skills. Also available on CD or cassette for $9.99. Just send your cheques or postal orders to P.O. Box 12155 now and receive a free limited edition “Tips and Tools™ Spatula Holder”!

Big D-U-H

Huh. Here's another thing I didn't know about meself.

Your #1 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #2 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

Your #3 Match: INTP

The Thinker You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can.Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge.Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat.A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it. You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.

What's Your Personality Type?

Gacked from Krystle's site. Thanks.

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

In conjunction with the upcoming HP 6...

(I know I copped out on posting properly with my last one, but I seriously have nothing noteworthy to blog about.)

Half-Blood Prince, (which we're not supposed to be reading. btw *snorts*) is coming out on July 16th. Frankly, I kinda lost interest in the canon ever since the end of GOF. I didn't even read OOTP til last year and that was in txt format. No, I didn't cry when Sirius died, I wasn't exactly outraged at Umbridge... Actually, I felt bad for Snape and thought that the Marauders were real jerks. They're the kinda boys I would've called assh*les and hexed them in th' back at every opportunity. I might be a closet Slytherin sympathizer. Even the Quizilla test sorted me there. :)


You are a Slytherin!

If you take this image, please link back to my quiz
on the preceding page. Thank you!


What House are you at Hogwarts? Harry Potter!
brought to you by Quizilla

In any case, I'm totally disappointed with canon- which justifies my move into fanon. (For those unfamiliar with my fangirl geekslang, canon means the officially published story while fanon is the story concocted by fans, thus fan-on.) I read fanfic once in a while for my Harry Potter fix. Fanon is so much more interesting. Where else but in fanfic will you get Harry Potter teaming up with the Charmed sisters to fight against th' evil that is Voldermort? Or actually hear Buffy call the dark lord- Voltron, Voldy, Moldywart or The-One-Whose-Ass-I-Will-Kick? Crossovers are th' bomb!

I dunno... I might give up on Rowling's books altogether and dwell in fandom forever. Where Draco and Harry date *ick*, where Willow turns out to be a long-lost Weasley and Lucius Malfoy is actually a good guy pretending to be a badass.


You are a Harry & Draco Shipper!


!!!~What Harry Potter Fan Fic Ship Are You?~!!!
brought to you by Quizilla

A quote for the day:-
Ginny shrugged. “That’s hardly anything new. Those two can scarcely put together a thought long enough to dress themselves in the morning. Or does Draco help with that too? Standing there, ordering them around.” She pulled herself up, puffing out her chest and scowling in a fair approximation of the Malfoy heir. “No, you moron, one leg per hole. One! Leg!”

Hermione snorted with laughter, covering her mouth with her hands. She shut her eyes, cackling as she pictured Goyle and Crabbe stumbling over themselves in the morning trying to figure out how to put on their pants. Well, it wasn’t that far out, she supposed. Malfoy did have to help them with everything else.

~ Contractual Obligations:Remix, Jinni

And a link to one of my favorite stories: The Chronicles Of Lucius. I dunno if you'll get the humor, but I laughed so much my stomach hurt.

As per Lydia's request, and the fact that the code to live by is 'ask and you shall recieve...' I will 'upday' with this since there is nothing noteworthy to blog about:

You Are 22 Years Old

22 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

I'm 22? Now, there's something I didn't know about myself.

Shameless Self-Advertisment

Sevenfold, dude... sevenfold.

Isn't it weird how tragedies become more blogworthy than good stuff? Like how I never mentioned getting a mini iPod for my birthday? Or that I even had a birthday party in the first place? Well, its just as well since I am now an ex-owner of a pink mini iPod I secretly called Hamster.

Spent an unfruitful day with my mom today- going to many places but not getting much done. The last stop of the day before college in the evening was One Utama where I placed my ratty red haversack in the boot to keep it out of sight. Dinner, then bought the mini iPod casing (no three-pack rubber casing anymore, guys). Went back to the car, opened the boot and stared at the empty place where a bag containing my laptop, Hamster, Hamster's charger, handphone, the Red Binder that contained my life, my assignment, half a tube of fruit LifeSavers, a buncha new gel ink pens, my house keys and the hunter green corduroy jacket i bought in Phils.

They stole my dreams! All of it! Literally, actually. My dream journal dating back to last year was in the Red Binder. Frankly, I was more concerned about losing the binder than I was my laptop until I remembered my scripts and stories in that thing. The script in itself is probably more valuable than my iPod, old P2 laptop and handphone combined. If I see it on the internet or on TV3 in someone else's name, I'll track the guy down and shoot him in th' foot. Ah well, it can always be rewritten. All is not lost, I suppose.

I had to change the entire set of house padlocks because my house address was in my resume, which was in my laptop. My mother cannot be in logistics to save her life. You know how it is, when you have four similar locks and 16 keys that might or might not fit when you expect it to. We swapped the two 'hot' padlocks for new ones and my mom started getting confused fits. Heh. The missing keys weren't my fault, so she couldn't get too riled up and whale on me. In half and hour, we forgot which padlocks were 'hot' and which were not. Another few fits later and we logically solved it by comparing the rate of tarnish, CSI-style! Although, Griss would've been appalled by our headless-chickens-in-the-yard approach to th' science of tarnish.

Nothing is truly stolen, because I expect sevenfold in return. I'll keep my leather mini iPod casing til I get Hamster The Second back. In fact, sevenfold would probably mean me giving away the casing eventually because it wouldn't fit the iPod I'll be getting. A wifi-enabled laptop that doesn't take 20 minutes to boot up. Seven new scripts that'll pay cash for my first car (with a good alarm system). Oh yeah.

In everything, give thanks...