A Short Story Not Necessarily For Children : "The D*mn Dog"

I have a dog named Pepper. It is a brown toy poodle. It is very special. Pepper knows nifty tricks like how to hold in your pee until you're let out of the bathroom so you can pee in places that are difficult to clean. She is honing that skill now by peeing a little bit on the paper in the bathroom to con people into letting her out so that she can go pee in places that are difficult to clean. You see, the trick is to know the proper ratio of pee to use as the diversion and storing up the remaining amount of pee for a 'puddle effect' in those hard-to-reach, hard-to-clean places. She secretly calls it "Mission: Make Grace Clean The Floor On Her Hands And Knees Repeatedly Everytime She Lets Me Out To Play. Muahaha."

Just before the act...

...and right after, she'll run like a lunatic for the safety of the bathroom in self-punishment whilst smirking in the pride of a successful mission (note slightly evil unrepentant smirk).

Also, my dog Pepper enjoys a steady diet of newspaper, toilet paper and anything that moves- like bugs and hairs on the floor blown around by wind. She has more toys than I do and gets bored of them at an alarming rate. I love dog. Especially in a soup or a quiche. Maybe quiche- need to buy eggs and flour then.

The End

I've never asked for a dog in my life. Not that I didn't want one, only that I knew my mother hated large-ish animals. So it was hamsters, fish and the occasional turtle. What's an occasional turtle, you might ask? Well, it looks just like any other turtle, but its only there occasionally. But I digress... back to what this post is really about- th' dumb dog. (It just peed all over the floor and I had to wipe the hall. Again. Can you tell?) Anyway- guess what my mother asks for last mother's day? Now, I daren't call my dad in case he asks for a horse or something.

Aw, I don't mind the dog-ler... just frustrated that I actually might have to give the excuse of needing to go home early and 'feed the dog' someday. At least I've never given the 'water my mother's plants' excuse as of yet. Heh. Terasa or not, Ange? Pepper's really not a dog- she's a cat-pig-baby sort of creature. I'd call her a cat, 'cept that cats are way cleaner. She actually sulks and refuses to look at you if you offend her. She rubs herself all over your legs. She pounces. I mean- if I wanted a danged cat, I'd have gotten a cat. I like cats, but not a dog who prances about like a feline hopped up on catnip.

Now I gotta go let her out to play 'cause I've cooped her up in the bathroom all day.

A 'Lessons' Spin-Off...

Tips and Tools For Shrinking Your Best Friend.
By Dr. Grac “Doc” Chang; MD, PhD, MBBS, PESS, DKNY, FYI, ETC.

Tool One : The Obligatory Question

Everyone has one. When I talk to someone, I always ask them their Obligatory Question. Sometimes it’s the same question for a few people; but everyone is special, so they have their own unique question. Obligatory Questions range from “Had dinner yet?” for acquaintances/colleagues to “How’s life?” and “Are you wearing underwear?” for closer friends.

~ Deidi’s is “Are you drunk/high?” Be it while we’re on the phone, online or meeting face-to-face, I have to ask her this because she behaves like a tipsy bimbo at the best of times. Plus, she’s actually a pretty heavy drinker. And I’m talking margaritas in the afternoon. Tsk. Oh heck, who’m I kidding. I had margaritas for lunch during a mission trip when we were supposed to be tracting, for crying out loud.

~ During her stint as a girlfriend back in ‘Nam with ‘Charlie’, “Pregnant yet?” seemed to be the world’s best contraceptive. Well, not really… but at least it was a good reminder to make frequent trips down to th’ pharmacy. For pregnancy test kits as well as condoms.

~ “Still a virgin?” no longer applies to my first two clients-slash-best-friends, so th’ dubious honor of this Obligatory Question goes to the Eternal Virgin Mel ‘Tight Flower’ Sim (crosses both fingers in the ‘Tight Flower’ Signal) It’s a little weird how ‘still a virgin?’ passed down so quickly from one client to another like hand-me-down cloth diapers. I’d worry if I were you, Tight Flower.

~ It used to be “What are you actually studying, ha?” for Ange. A question that I still cannot answer up till now even though she’s been working for a year or so. Nowadays its more of- “What do you work as, ha?” Some computer thing, I’m told- but I’m not too sure what. I doubt she knows either.

~ There’s the all-famous “Are you PMSing?” for Bri and occasionally, Keith- who has the worst b*tchfits for someone without ovaries.

For me, the Obligatory Question I seem to be asked by one and all is: “Guess what?” Which brings me to our second tool- how to counteract the dreaded ‘Guessing Game’.

Tool Two : The Worst-Case Scenario (WCS)

It can take the form of either a monologue or dialogue.

“Guess what?”
“You’re pregnant.”
Sputter. “Wha-? No! I just got a promotion, you ass! What were you thinking?!”

You see how it works? The trick is to tailor your worst case scenarios according to th’ client/friend. If your WCS is vile enough, they’ll give up at the guessing game fairly quickly.

~ Red
“Guess what?”
“You’re pregnant.”
Sighs exaggeratedly, “No.”
“Space aliens abducted you and probed your orifices.”
“Dude.”
“Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa are being held captive by orifice-probing space aliens.”
“Dude.”
“Scully broke up with Mulder and declared her undying love for Krychek.”
“Dude!” Pause. “Metaphorically? Yeah.” She sighs.
Long night. I should really start charging for consultation.
(Send your postal order and cheque to P.O. Box 12155 for a 2-disc set of “Tool #247- The Metaphor Game”)

~ Deidi
“Guess what?” she giggles.
And I am reminded once again to ask, “Are you drunk?” before progressing further in WCS.
“Nooo-ooo...” she sing-songs.
“Are you pregnant?”
“No.” More giggles.
“You did the naughty with a total stranger?”
Giggling. (Beware the future that is Malaysia’s legal system when Deidre starts representing people in court. Hair-twirling and girly giggling abound!)
“You snogged a total stranger?”
“I know him, okay?” A little exasperation in her tone amidst the giggling now.
“And were you drunk then?”
“Maybe.” Let’s just assume that she’s giggling all the way throughout this conversation, okay?
“You aren’t supposed to drink. It’s bad for the baby.”
“Grace!”

~ Keith
“Guess what?”
“You’re pregnant.” (Tip: It works for all genders.)
“Whuthfck?”
“You knocked someone up and she’s pregnant.”
“No!”
“I’m tellin’ ya- she’s pregnant, and her father’s gonna come stick a shotgun in your mouth and force you to marry her. But what you don’t know is that she’s pregnant with some orfice-probing space alien’s kid and it’s gonna come bursting out her tummy and eat you both alive.”
Silence. “I was going to tell ya that I found your Babylon 5 DVD, but you can forget it now.”
(Tip: Try not to go too far out and piss them off in the process.)

~ Mel
“Guess what?”
“You went out with him.”
“N- hey! How did you know?”
My finely honed psychic powers. “You told me yesterday.”
“Oh… yeah.”

Disclaimer: I am not obsessed with baby making and/or naughty space alien loving despite evidence to the contrary. I’m not, I tell you…

Next week on ‘Tips and Tools™’: How To Hone Those Nifty Mind-Reading Skills. Also available on CD or cassette for $9.99. Just send your cheques or postal orders to P.O. Box 12155 now and receive a free limited edition “Tips and Tools™ Spatula Holder”!

Big D-U-H

Huh. Here's another thing I didn't know about meself.

Your #1 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #2 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

Your #3 Match: INTP

The Thinker You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can.Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge.Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat.A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it. You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.

What's Your Personality Type?

Gacked from Krystle's site. Thanks.

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?